Yeah that photo is blurry on purpose. Kinda like my head. I recently felt very clear-headedly that I should delete all my social media accounts and this blog. At least I thought it was clear-headed.
I reasoned that my extreme need for growth was inhibited by a sense of having to stay-the-same in these places. I needed to stretch, but for a little while, I forgot how.
I want to be a writer. I am a writer. But not so that I can live to write. I write so that I can live better. I don’t know how to make that look shiny or categorizable. It’s in continual flux.
Yes, I began writing for moms. In my deep need to know the Presence of God in the journey called motherhood I took pen to paper. That’s how I search. It’s how I find.
In time I felt sure I wasn’t the only one so I began to share what I was writing. I still feel that is true. But I’ve also changed.
I’ve grown and everything I write isn’t all about motherhood these days. And it is. And it isn’t. See? I’m not shiny. I’m in the rough like I’ve always been, like I always will be until that day I rise immortal.
Recently, that all seemed negative again. I’ve struggled with this lie my whole life and as soon as I think I’m seeing clearly, it comes around a corner I didn’t expect.
The lie, in every form and every corner it comes ’round is this: my weakness is my sentence.
The truth: in Jesus, my weakness is my freedom. It’s how I search for Him and find. I will grow through many seasons of life, but I NEVER want that to change.
Jesus said to Paul, “…my power is made perfect in weakness.” I always imagine Paul (whether in tears or shouts or whispers) very ardently replying, “…then I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Messiah will rest on me… I am content…”*
I imagine it ardent because these words are water for dry ground in many of our hearts. This is relief.
I don’t need to be shiny or categorizable. Yeah, to “sell” I do, but to sail, my deepest heart’s desire, I don’t. To grow and be free requires, not that I hide and let my mess be my mess alone. To grow and be free requires simply choosing it. It can be no more real or true in private than in public.
Truth is defined by the mess, illuminated in the middle of real life. The only restrictions here are in my own mind, they’re not real. Growing is a choice. That choice will look different for each of us.
For me, writing is one way that I experience a tremendous amount of freedom. I’m not gonna let a lie take that away.
I almost did though. I almost let lies steal and I just might again when that lie comes around some other corner. I couldn’t figure out what was going on, something felt off.
So I went to the quiet place. The place called prayer and I heard His lovingkindness again. This is always the way I get free from the lies.
I don’t know how, but He does. The tenderness of His love breaks down the barriers in my mind. When I say break down I DO mean something sudden, but I do not mean anything violent. It is like a melting away, an uncovering. It is freedom.
If you relate or you are hungry for it, would you check out a new series I am writing? It’s over at The Martyrs’ Cross. Click here to read it: The Place Called Prayer: A Traveler’s Companion.
May we always adventure toward it,
Want some company on your journey? That’s why I write! Subscribe here to get my updates directly in your inbox. Also, check out my book where I invite you to seek this worldview I’m writing about here through prayer.
*2 Corinthians 12:9&10