I saw fire fall from the sky this week. Then I realized it was a leaf. A burnt orange leaf was spiraling rapidly downward as I rounded a curve in the canyon. The wind there whirls in that vortex much differently than in the open field where sometimes it can seem as though the leaves are falling in slow motion, meandering like a mountain stream around a pathway of rocks.
In the gorge driving alongside the river rapids it’s a space of realization, for me—things that appear one way while standing still transform—I can see them closer to what they are, because I am closer to what they are, spiraling there.
I have felt all sorts of torn over this summer. On one hand exhilarated, on another sad. Then…amazed all over again.
I didn’t realize when I began this summer the way fire would be a theme. I’m not sure I’ve even realized it fully yet. I was surprised to recognize how quickly my mind would jump from having difficulty discerning a leaf to confusing it with fire. I suppose that’s what is possible when your mind has been immersed in the context of wilderness wildfires for months?
I didn’t know when I began my Qigong Instructor Training that fire would also be such a theme there as well. What a feverishly strong rising power fire is. What a way-maker, revelator, instigator—which is to say—destroyer. And, if a destroyer then therefore a creator…but how easy is that to see when standing still?
…standing still… in the open field where sometimes it can seem as though everything is falling in slow motion, meandering like a mountain stream around a pathway of rocks…We feel as though it is us hitting the rocks.
It’s one thing to stand above the river rapids, it’s another to be within them, the space of realization, transformation, where you can see yourself for what you are, because you can finally feel the pain, feel anything…way-making, revelatory instigating, destruction, birth. What a feverishly strong rising power fire is—even when we mistake it for falling from the sky.
One of the things that keeps us fire-safe, in truth or by deadly illusions, is a deep knowing of meaning within it. In this way, it’s as though it is no longer us against torrent or wilderness fire, we are torrent, we are fire. We are reborn. Meaning changes everything.
I have often immersed myself in and rehearsed one of my children’s words to me, it was River who said it; “We learn from your absence as much as from your presence.” This was difficult medicine at first.
At the highest point in a form called Crane Qigong the practitioner leans forward with one leg in the air behind while simultaneously extending the arms behind the back …releasing… fingers and toes all stretched and pointing up, chest wiiide open, taking in the deepest inhalation. The heart, open—it’s what I want—on every level.
I had to ask a dear friend not too long ago if I sounded bitter. I needed to say out loud that I was in danger, I could see the wilds on fire, and I needed to hear back that it’s okay… that there are things that need working through, releasing—as long as I lean forward again, aand again, chest wiiide open, taking in the deepest inhalation…not thinking fire is always a thing to fear, a thing apart from me… but rather, letting myself rise too, learning from fire, gathering vision of what it becomes in time, not being destroyed by it.
One of the first things that struck me and grabbed my attention nearly four years ago when I was introduced to Qigong was to learn about the heart fire. That there is a place of fire in the heart affirmed a deep knowing, that even still frightened me. Traditional Chinese Medicine teaches not to let it burn too hard or too low. It seemed to me there had to be a very physical way of working this out—that this is a need. It was my need.
Mothers, fathers, grandparents, aunts, older generations, they used to put their hands and words and nurture on their children, young and adult alike, and help them birth through life at every new stage, learn how to live in our fires…releasing or nourishing…We used to know how to let them…now we are often alone.
Many of us legit have to learn how to be our own mothers, fathers, elders, spouses, siblings…midwives…friends, yet still believe we are not alone. This is hard.
Often the truth is that we can see bright reflections in the people we are given but we’re all often swirling so fast…it’s not that we don’t recognize each other, it’s that at first it scares us that we do. Fear is always the invitation into the real, but mercy does it take a long time to realize that, to cherish those (people and things) who would be fire in our lives, to give back to them all that they give to us…not bitterly, rather generously…which is to say, honestly, fully, unafraid—in our essence, in the wind, in the fire, in the rivers…
What help we need to learn to be the way of fire as way-maker, revelator, instigator—which is to say—destroyer. And, if a destroyer then therefore a creator…but how easy is that to see when standing still? We have such need to learn how to rise like fire, flow like water, swirl like the wind. This too is hard, because it often means we have to learn how to go first—or at least feel like that’s what is happening—no matter how many will misunderstand, misinterpret, mis-see between a leaf and a life, a-real-beating-heart just trying to learn how to live in their own fire…just like them.
We have to learn how to be absent sometimes and let River’s words sink deep into our bones, …that even our absence could be a blessing. We can let go sometimes. We can hold ourselves sometimes. We can let ourselves be held sometimes.
Hope comes in the most unexpected of ways. Of course it does. Hope, by design, is intended to catch our breath, widen our pupils, suspend our expectations. Don’t be afraid. Mercy is a valid teacher.
But if (or when) you are afraid (like I often am) may I be a friend to you? The one that says, it’s okay… there are things that need working through, things that need releasing—as long as you lean forward again and again chest wiiide open, taking in the deepest inhalation…in the wind, in the fire, in the wilds, in the now. You are, most definitely, not alone.
I saw fire fall from heaven this week.
P.S. I’m trying to both be faithful to this process I find myself in and of benefit to you. I warmly welcome your feedback. Anything from, “Raynna, what?!” to “I hear you.” 🙂 I thank you for it all. I thank you for being here. (Subscribe here if it feels a little more like “oh yeah”, than “umm what?”)
You can read the previous post in this series on Hope here.
Books I wrote, for me and for you… learn more at www.UntoldWonder.com
All I have are tears if assent.
Love your fire and your river of words.
If – of
Means so much to me Larissa. Thanks for always being generous with me in the language of tears! I love you for it!
Good Morning Raynna,
Once again, a fantastic share. You’re traveling so much easier
away from the (always distorted) socially engineered .norm…
and doing so with the evident confidence of a spiritual comfort
that’s gifted by an intentional hunt: All the senses rejoice!!!
Love You Raynna.
You have traveled far.
Thank You For The Opportunity To Sojourn Realization-to-Realization
Without Intentional Awakening There Is No Focused Spark To Light The Spirit
Thank You For The Continuing Spiritual Fodder,
From Within The Wind & Fire With You!
“We learn from your absence as much as from your presence.”
by River Myers
…an amazing and profound insight. I pray the depth of that can bring as much comfort, as it does quaking to the soul.
I am so grateful to sojourn with you!! Big smiles here. It makes me so happy that you find something worthwhile here. You light my spirit. Thank you especially for hearing River. I’ll make sure he knows. I love you!
Hello Everyone , wish everyone a joyous holiday season…i see i was invited to speak…not sure how i got here but perhaps liminality had something to do with it….as i also caught a part of a article written ..may have been from years ago…the writer wasnt sure about whom to let go of…april 4 will be my birthday…i cant say anything with certainty at this moment…but i can share a experience i had from one point of view…on a journey came a time to wear the mask of the hanged man in tarot….deep layers it represents the liminal state…ive self imposed into a sort of isolation from the world for about 12 years or so….a state of trance in a way….let just say its a place i visit often….when the sun lies half way on the horizon….thomas edison used to seek this liminal state of mind as he would hold metal balls that when he fell asleep they would drop and awaken him….it is the time between sleep and awake….for those who find themselves here i can say that letting go was a main topic of understanding…..many i would assume become very confused when treading these deep waters..for my experience ..all my beliefs were stripped away….its not like i just said he…poof your gone….a certain teaching begun from another origin….the understand eventually neutralizes from annihalation of the opposites..or merger as some might say….i became nothing…mr. Nobody just wandering in nowhere land….lose of identity as the ego dissappears or becomes humbled…..a lonely place but not lonely…the doorway between whats been and whats to become….the liminal state is a womb…it is where the birth of new ideas and new worlds and beliefs concepts are born…but the old must be sacrificed first to make room….its the place where or creativity flourishes…my body took a rest for 12 years…but my mind traveled as it seemed faster then light…after all i felt like i was going backwards in time to reverse engineer….well….your all on a journey…i wish you the best along your way……as we walk side by side !!
Perhaps ill put some dots out here for others to think about of thats their desire on the liminal…..passover they put blood of the doorposts and the lintel….the dalet in hebrew is the “door”….to the average christian..jesus is the door..to other beliefs they have others that hold that place….through the doorway one must go to meet the….i believe is what may be meant from a certain book….the doorway is the liminal state and space that resides between…the doorways may be small but there is space of its own…..the jewish stayed home all night and did not cross that doorway which represents a threshold…from inside to outside….until time was appointed and they then crossed that barrier and transformation space and left for good…….easter in a way represents the same as death of winter and begining of spring….even daylight and darkness for some…it represents the liminal state in between winter and summer…the change of seasons….please understand that anything ive said be taken with a grain of salt as just hearsay……i once fell and shattered into a zillion pieces…..i promised my father and mother…after i sold my soul to play just one part…i would put all the pieces back together and make us whole again !!